Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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