She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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