your thong is hanging out like whoa
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
