Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
