I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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