oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
