i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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