just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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