Apparently you make a good broom.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
