how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I can't turn off my feet"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
