Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
