I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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