The best revenge is premature balding
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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