that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
