i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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