she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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