If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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