she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
