NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
