There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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