Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
