He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
