Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
