After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
