Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
