Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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