k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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