Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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