I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
