I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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