he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
