Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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