If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
