we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
