if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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