Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
