All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
