Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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