Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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