if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
