Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
