somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
