I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
