Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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