I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
