so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
