He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
