We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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