She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
