filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
