I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity