At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Is it because I queefed?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Randomize
