You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
