I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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