my vag is so smooth its legendary
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
