Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
