today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
