mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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