I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
